Pamela Jacobs

The Advocate's Advocate

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How to Move Past Your Fear of Being Alone

There are many reasons you may be choosing to stay in a relationship where we are unhappy or being disrespected – financial concerns, fear for your safety (which should absolutely be taken seriously), and shame over what others may think. But, another reason you may be staying in an unhealthy relationships is the fear of being alone.  

We often fear that if we leave our spouse or partner, we will end up alone – and therefore lonely – forever.  You may believe this because your partner told you that no one would ever love you again – a common threat used by abusive partners.  Or, you may fear it for much deeper reasons – reasons which often stem from our childhoods.

The fear of being alone is really a fear of not being good enough on your own.  We often receive validation from our partners – proof that we are worthy enough of someone’s love and attention.  We also may only see our life as valuable when we are sharing it with another person. The first step in moving past this fear is to realize that you are worthy on your own, and do not need proof or validation from anyone else – especially someone who does not respect you or treat you well.  Also, it’s important to realize that you deserve your own love and attention, as well.

We also sometimes feel afraid of being alone because we fear that it means we aren’t loved – or, even worse, aren’t lovable.  Especially if you had a less-than-loving childhood, you may fear that being alone proves that you aren’t good enough for someone else to love.  But, choosing to be alone and love yourself actually proves that you are strong and know your own worth. It proves that you are capable of caring for yourself, and showing yourself the love you deserve.  And it proves that you are willing to set appropriate boundaries and stand up for what you deserve.  

One basic way to move past the fear of being alone is to get comfortable being by yourself.  It’s important to realize that your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you will ever have.  So, nourish that relationship. Take yourself out on dates. Go out to eat, go shopping, go to the movies, or just go for a walk in the park – by yourself.  Keep doing this until it becomes comfortable, even enjoyable. You will soon realize that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. And as you begin to enjoy more activities on your won, you will never feel lonely, because you’ll enjoy your own company.

Also, challenge your belief that ending this relationship means you’ll never be with someone else.  You have probably been through a breakup before. Did you think you’d be alone forever then, too? Maybe.  In fact, this is a fear we often have during the end of any relationship. Yet, each time, we heal, move forward, and inevitably meet someone else.  There are over seven billion people on this planet – you are guaranteed to meet many more who you are attracted to and interested in, and who are attracted to and interested in you, also.  

As you start to get comfortable by yourself, and realize that you will (of course) find love again, it is essential to get clear on what you want (and don’t want) in your next relationship.  Start to visualize your ideal partner. How would they treat you? How would you feel in this relationship? Getting clear on what you do and do not want is a great way to make decisions about your current relationship, and also to open your eyes to the person who may be better for you.  

Don’t let the fear of being alone keep you in a relationship with someone who does not deserve your love or loyalty.  You deserve to be loved and respected, all the time.

How to Know When to Let Go

If you are and your partner are arguing more than usual, or you are starting to spot some red flags that concern you, you may be wondering whether it is time to leave and let go of the relationship.  This is never an easy decision, and it’s one that may take some time and thoughtful consideration. There are a few key things to watch out for, which may alert you that it is time to let go.

  • You feel like it’s always a struggle.  You don’t feel like you can be yourself with your partner anymore.  You resist bringing up issues or concerns, because you are afraid of how they will react.  You feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to upset them or cause an argument.  Even when you aren’t arguing, the mood between you is often tense. You feel like you can never fully relax.  

 

  • You feel obligated, not excited, to stay.  When you think about leaving your partner, you may feel guilty.  You worry that they may struggle without you, especially if they are dealing with an illness, financial stress, lack of a support system, or some other struggle.  You may feel like you have to stay for your children or because you’re afraid of what other people will think. When you picture yourself staying, you feel like you are meeting an obligation, not doing something that will make you happy.  

 

  • You’re not being respected or valued.  Your partner rarely compliments you anymore.  In fact, they often put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.  They pick at you about little things, and make you feel like you can’t do anything right.  Even when you are celebrating an achievement, they either ignore it completely, or find some way to turn it into a negative.  They do not respect your boundaries. And they treat you like someone who is less than them, not as an equal.

 

  • Fear is holding you back.  You know that you aren’t happy in your current relationship, but you are afraid of the unknown.  You may be afraid that you won’t be able to support yourself financially if you leave. You may be afraid of how your partner will react if you choose to leave.  And you may be afraid that you will never find love again, and that you’ll be alone forever. When you take an honest look at the reasons you are staying, most are either responsibility, or fear.  

 

  • You’re compromising your values and beliefs.  Throughout the relationship, you’ve gradually given in (or given up) on things that matter to you.  You may have tried to set boundaries and ask for what you want and need, but your partner always found ways to make you feel like you were asking for too much, being unreasonable, or just weren’t worthy of what you were asking.  Eventually, you stopped asking completely. You may have started lying about your partner’s behavior to friends and family, to protect them, and also because you are ashamed to admit what has been happening. You realize you have become a very different person than you were when you met your partner.  

 

If you recognize any of the above statements, your relationship is probably not healthy.  And it may be time to start the process of moving on. It can be very difficult to leave a relationship after investing your time, effort, and love for so long.  And this is a decision no one can make, but you. But, it is important to trust your instincts, and know that you deserve to be loved, respected, and happy. If someone is holding you back from being your full, incredible self – let them go.  You deserve better.

How to Know if You’re Being Abused

Anyone who has been in a relationship has faced struggles.  There are communication barriers, differences in backgrounds, and just personality conflicts.  But, when you are regularly unhappy, upset, crying, resentful, or exhausted in your relationship – there may be a much more serious issue.  If your partner makes you feel like less than you are, or if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them, you may be a victim of abuse.  

We often think of abuse as being violent.  We think of “victims” as being meek women walking around with black eyes and broken bones.  But, while abuse can and does often become physical, it doesn’t always. And it rarely ever begins that way.  It’s often hard to determine whether our partner’s actions are just caused by bad behavior and poor choices, or if they are abusive.  

Abuse is not about violence, it is about power and control.  An abusive partner will try to limit who you are and who you associate with.  They will try to keep you away from family and friends, either by causing problems when you try to leave, making sure all of your time is spent with them, or making you feel guilty about spending time with anyone else.  

An abusive partner may also try to control your emotions.  They can often be the most charming and considerate person you have ever known – buying you flowers, telling you that you’re the best person they’ve ever met, calling you beautiful, and making you feel very special.  But eventually, they will also put you down, tell you that you aren’t treating them well, try to make you feel guilty for speaking up, ignore you, and tell you that no one will ever love you as much as they do. This type of emotional manipulation is used to make you feel crazy and exhausted, so you no longer have the energy to even think about standing up for yourself, or leaving.  

An abusive partner will also control finances.  They may make you feel guilty about spending, even on necessities, or limit your access to the bank account.  

If you have children, your partner may try to interfere with your parenting.  They may tell your children not to listen to you or insult how you interact with them.  They may try to make you feel guilty for the time you spend with your children. And they may try to drive a wedge between you and your children, making it more difficult for you to maintain a close relationship.  

Finally, and possibly the most important red flag  to watch out for:  An abusive partner will minimize and deny their actions, and blame you (and others) for their choices. They will not take responsibility for their own actions.  They will tell you that you are overreacting, blowing things out of proportion, and making a big deal out of nothing. They will blame you for their behavior and tell you that if you just cared more, acted differently, or changed something about yourself, they wouldn’t treat you this way.  Of course, that is absolutely not true. An abusive partner will only change when they truly want to, and when they are no longer benefiting from their actions.  

An abusive partner’s goal is to get you to change your behavior, to change who you are, so that they can have control over you.  They feel entitled to be the one in control in the relationship, and will use any tactic necessary to make sure that happens.

They may not be hitting you (yet), but that doesn’t mean their behavior is not hurting you deeply, and causing lasting effects.  The simple fact is this: If you are questioning whether you are being abused – you probably are.

If your partner is controlling, belittling, or hurting you – their behavior will likely not change.  The only person you have control over is you. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. And you deserve to be safe – physically and emotionally.  If you are being abused, call the National Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to talk with an advocate about your options, and planning for your safety and well-being.  This is not your fault. And you do not have to face it alone.

5 Ways to Help A Friend Who is Being Abused

Originally published in the Huffington Post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-jacobs/5-ways-to-help-someone-wh_b_6064438.html)

 

At least one in four women will be abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. Abuse often start off subtle, with jealousy and isolation, but can soon escalate to threatening, controlling, and physically hurting. You may have recognized these warning signs in your friend’s or loved one’s relationship.  It can be frightening to realize that someone you love may be in danger, and it can often make us feel very helpless. But, there are ways you can help.

  1. Tell her you are worried about her.  When said with compassion, and without judgment, this statement lets your friend know that you care, and may also help her feel less alone. Abuse causes immense isolation, and it’s possible you may be the only person she is able to talk to.  She may also be starting to question, and be concerned about, some of her partner’s behaviors. Letting her know that you are worried shows that she isn’t just imagining it – as the abuser would like her to believe – and that someone else is actually concerned about her safety, too.
  2. Ask about she wants.  Too often, we try to “help” by telling someone who is being abused what she should do. But, trying to make decisions for her is exactly what her partner is doing – she doesn’t need this type of control from friends and family.  Asking about what she would like to see happen puts power back into her hands. Again, this question should be offered without judgment, and we must be willing to accept any answer, including that she wants to stay and work on the relationship.  If that answer worries you, it is alright to let her know that you are concerned about her safety – but stay supportive.
  3. Offer to call an advocacy program for her, or with her.  People often think that domestic violence programs only offer emergency shelter, which can be intimidating to someone who may not be ready to leave. But, the fact is that shelters not only offer a safe place to stay, they also offer assistance with employment, housing, and parenting resources.  Plus, they have advocates who are available to talk with your friend, believe her, support her, and help her plan for her next steps – whatever she may decide. Simply having another caring person on her side, in addition to you, can help her feel more secure and able to move forward. To reach your local advocacy program, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
  4. Let her know that the abuse is not her fault.  Abusers usually blame the victim for the abuse.  If she’s heard this over and over, it’s very likely your friend may be blaming herself, too. She is probably feeling a lot of shame and confusion, and wondering what she could have done differently.  Listen to her, and try to understand her confusion.. But, let her know that it does not matter what she did, or didn’t do; no one has a right to hurt, scare, or control her. There is never a justification for abuse, and it is never ever the victim’s fault.
  5. Be there to support her, no matter what they decide.  Too often, our message is, “I’m here for you, if you leave.”  But, if we truly care about someone, we don’t put conditions on our support or friendship. By doing so, we are contributing to the shame and isolation that victims feel.  A victim will often receive support the first few times she reaches out for help, but after a while, we get frustrated and start backing away. At that point, the abuser has won. The victim is now further isolated, feels even more ashamed, and is much less likely to reach out for help again. At that point, she is in more danger than ever before.  So, make sure your friend knows you support her, and you will continue to do so – unconditionally.

5 Steps to Healing from an Abusive Relationship

Ending any relationship can be tough, and it can often take time to heal.  And ending a toxic or abusive relationship can be even more difficult. If you have recently ended an abusive relationship, it is extremely important that you focus on healing, so that you can move forward and create a safer, happier life for yourself.  Here are five steps to effectively heal from an abusive relationship:

1. Realize that the abuse was never your fault.  Your former spouse or partner probably blamed many of his actions on you.  He probably tried to make you feel guilty for speaking up or expressing concerns.  And he also probably told you that if you would have just done something differently, your relationship would have been better. Eventually, you probably started to believe him.  

It is important to understand that your partner told you these things to confuse you and to gain control over you.  His insistence that the abuse was your fault is manipulative, and simply untrue.  Only one person has control over whether the abuse happens – the abuser. There is absolutely nothing you did to cause your partner to put you down, insult you, threaten you, isolate you, or hurt you.  And there is absolutely nothing you could have done differently to stop it.

Tell yourself daily that the abuse you endured was absolutely not your fault.  Say it to yourself in the mirror. Write it in a journal. And keep saying and writing it until you believe it – however long that takes.  

 

2.Work on building healthier relationships.  An abusive partner will often isolate you from friends and family.  His goal is to keep you away from healthier, more supportive people, so that you only lean on him.  So, it’s very likely that you lost contact with many people during your relationship. If you have safe, supportive people in your life who you would like to reconnect with, reach out to them.  Let them know that you have ended the relationship and would appreciate their support.  

It can be difficult to admit that we need people.  It makes us feel vulnerable and afraid. But, when ending an abusive relationship, you need support.  You need to know that you have other people in your life who love you and who will be there for you. In addition to friends and family, it is also incredibly helpful to have an advocate – an expert who understands abuse – on your side.  An advocate can help you safety plan, help you find resources, and also be there for support and encouragement.  Call the National Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to find an advocate near you.  

3.Reconnect with yourself. During an abusive relationship, you not only lose contact with other people, you often lose a connection with who you were before you met your partner.  An abusive partner will use many tactics to get you to doubt yourself, your choices, and your opinions.  They will try to change you into someone else – someone who is dependent on them.  Now that you have ended your relationship, it’s time to rebuild your connection to yourself.  

Think about who you were before you met your partner.  What did you love to do? What hobbies did you enjoy? What food did you like to eat?  What clothes did you like to wear? Even these simple choices can be difficult to make on your own, after leaving a partner who made every decision for you.  Enjoy the process of getting to know yourself again. And make time every day to do something you love to do. Remember, you deserve it.

 

4. Take an honest inventory.  Being in an abusive relationship can wreak havoc not only on your emotional well-being, but on every aspect of your life.  Now is the time to assess the damage that has been caused, and take steps toward remedying it.

Take an honest look at your finances, your career, your friendships, your family relationships, your health, and your hobbies. What areas are working well, and what areas need improvement?   The point is not to feel badly about the state of any of these areas, or to be hard on yourself for choices you have made in the past. The goal is just to have an accurate image of what you need to focus on.  Write the areas that have suffered and write down three steps you can take now to improve them. Every step you take toward improved well-being, in every area of your life, will get you closer to the life you truly want and deserve.  

 

5. Be proud of yourself.  Making the decision to end an abusive relationship is very courageous.  Recognize that you took a huge step, and that your life is going to continue to get better because of your bravery.  Give yourself credit for the incredible decision you have made.  

Healing from abuse is not an easy road, but it is absolutely worth it.  Remind yourself every day that you have made a brave choice. And even when you may stumble or make mistakes, remind yourself that you are doing something difficult, and be proud of yourself for all of the progress you have made.  It is important to build back up the confidence and self-esteem that your partner likely tore down. Start by being proud of yourself for choosing you.